My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
