we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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