Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
