Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
