I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
