I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
