I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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