I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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