can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
if only i could text you this smell
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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