Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
