I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
