i wish my penis had a tongue
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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