the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
