I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
