Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
