So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
