piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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