It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
