If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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