either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
