taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
