It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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