Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
