I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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