Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Rumble strips road head = magical
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
