I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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