I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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