Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
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The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize