a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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