47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
