Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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