You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
