sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
