did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
