"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
A bitchslap is in order.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
