Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Every concussion has its silver lining
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
