I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
