He asked to "fluff my boner.."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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