My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
