I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
there is glitter all over my balls
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