Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
