So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
