he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
