i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Holy shit dude........stairs
tell me about the eggs
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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