Already got asked if we're dating
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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