The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You may now shotgun with the bride
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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