just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
