I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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