I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
