Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
