remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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