Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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