my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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