I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would fuck him just for his dog
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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