apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm like, not good at living.
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