upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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