let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
