put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
