I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
