my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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